Apr

15

Resolving Fights

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If you’ve ever had a relationship, heck, if you’ve ever even seriously dated then you’ve had the experience of fighting with somebody that meant a lot to you.

Do you want to know how get the fights out of your love life?

The secret between being single and in a lasting relationship is successfully working through fights when they come up, and the secret between a stressful relationship and a happy one is the practice of peeking around the corner of life and changing course before fights even develop.

How do you defuse and even avoid fights?  By understanding why fights develop and fixing problems at their root.

Lovers fight for one of three reasons:

  1. They strongly disagree on something that’s important to both of them
  2. One or both feels “unheard” and starts fights to get attention
  3. One or both let smaller upsets accumulate and then they explode sometime later 

 

Disagreements are pretty much inevitable.  I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of a couple that was together more than about a nanosecond without disagreeing about where to go, what to do, where to live, how to spend money, deal with in-laws, handle children, and so on and so on.  Disagreements are normal and compromise is an important part of being with someone, but…

 

If one person tries to have things “their way” all of the time then sooner or later there’s going to be trouble.  Also pay attention to why this “thing” (whatever it is) is so important.  Lovers who value each other happily compromise and an inability to compromise suggests disrespect.

 

Feeling unheard and disrespected is where the ice starts getting pretty thin.  Disrespect is felt when one partner feels like their lover doesn’t hear them, or see them, or pay enough attention to them.  This may be true or it may just be a perception, but either way it’s a problem.

 

The only solution is loving each other enough to really develop mutual understanding and then giving each other what you need.

 

The occasional fight can even be healthy; it’s a way of letting off steam and clearing out old crap to make way for new growth, kind of like a small brushfire.  But what happens when you don’t do that?  Well, pressure builds and builds and builds until… BOOM!

 

Explosions are like bombs and need the same study and care to figure out and defuse.  When people “hold in” lots of little things that bother them they often wind up exploding about something unrelated which really leaves their partner confused!  

 

Sometimes this happens because they’re going along with things they’d rather not in order to make their partner happy.  A certain amount of that is natural in a relationship but if it seems like a one-way street and their partner isn’t doing the same for them, well then its just tick-tick-tick.  

 

Now that you understand the origin of fights its time to look inside and ask yourself whether you’re with the wrong partner, with the right partner but just need to develop some skills to stop the fighting, or if you’re being unfair by having too many rules and expectations.  

 

Many of my clients are very successful, have high standards and are used to getting things the way they want them.  They’re frustrated because the same qualities which brought them success in life and business are creating obstacles in the way of love.  

 

Learn what private coaching can do for you!

 

Love is sharing and sharing requires compromise.

 

When clients are having trouble compromising I use special exercises that help them really appreciate just how much richer their life is with love in it compared to without.  Riches and accolades come and go, love is what fills our heart and makes everything worthwhile.  

 

Here’s an exercise: if you’re in a relationship and having issues with fighting then take a little time and examine the pattern.  Are you expecting the two of you to agree all the time?  Good luck there because that’s just not reality.  Are one or both of you digging in heels over simple disagreements?  Remember, love is built on compromise.  Is there a pattern where one of you is “right” and the other “wrong”?  That’s disrespect and poisonous, the two of you need to change that if you want to stay together.  Are one or both of you holding things in until they explode?  That’s just an invitation to the kind of drama that can kill even the best relationship.  And finally, is one of you (or both of you) harboring unrealistic expectations?  For sure love inspires us to our best selves, but some people’s expectations are so high that even that’s not good enough.  Don’t settle but be realistic.

 

Put your lover first, appreciate what you have, and get on with enjoying life and love!

 

 

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Category: Relationship

About the Author ()

Guy Ardito is an in-demand coach, trainer and founder of Relate U., an initiative dedicated to creating a better world through extraordinary relationships. Guy helps his clients overcome even the most complex challenges with humor and creativity, skills honed with decades of experience solving relationship problems in both corporate and personal arenas. As a certified Master Coach, Strategic Interventionist and Relationship and Marriage Educator, Guy has helped singles and couples resolve conflicts, reignite passions, and experience the love they’ve always wanted. He’s proud to live in New York with his extraordinary wife and their beautiful son.

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